Girl with a plan
Emerging from a much-talked about break-up with a rock-solid attitude, KATRINA KAIF, the reserved star of few words that we’ve heard so much about, is finally, ready to talk.
Published in Vogue India (print issue), December 2018
Image: Vogue India December 2018 cover story
Katrina Kaif has been a bit of an urban legend. Famously known to be tight-lipped, her legacy (besides a robust filmography) includes a stream of interviews that attempt to uncover her indecipherable personality but only leave viewers to conclude that she remains something of an enigma.
So at 9pm, when she emerges at her Bandra home in post workout sweats and declares that she does, in fact, want to start the interview by "talking about her personal life,” it leaves you flummoxed. Why, you ask? Because, Kaif feels, can be summed up in "one and a half words", "it's non-existent."
This frank, forthright, funny version of Kaif is disarming. Then again, it has been 15 long years of dodging frenzied paparazzi since the model-turned-ingénue made her debut with Boom (2003), and the Kaif I meet today, slowly feasting on a bowl of comfort food, isn't bent on evading questions. She's eager to talk, and eager to be heard—but on her own terms.
WILL AND GRACE
Over the years (and her 40-plus films), Kaif has played everything from English rose to tough, ball-busting ISI agent. She’s come a long way from being dubbed over to acing the Hindi language, from being a wary dancer to being a student of the preternaturally gifted Prabhu Deva (for Thugs of Hindostan), but sill, like most under the cloud of celebrity-hood, she’s always been spoken of in the context of her romantic equations. Her casual meet-cutes have led to sensational headlines, and her relationships have often made more news than her body of work. And she’s the first to acknowledge it: “Oftentimes, throughout my career there’s been such prominent talk about the friendships or relationships I’ve had in my life, so that when you speak or when you’re spoken about in the media it’s in the context of another person and with another person.” But what happens when, for the first time in a while, there is no other person?
Just like the rest of us going through the motions after a break-up, this has been a period of unravelling and introspection for Kaif. “What human nature does is that when we have something, or someone, to focus on, we can also shift a lot of our attention there, so we are not really forced to look at ourselves in any great perspective. We’re able to kind of shift a lot of responsibility — on decisions, for happiness, for entertainment and motivation. So now, when the sole burden of your life, what you’re doing, and your state of mind is on your shoulders because there’s nothing to distract you, that is a very intense time.”
For Kaif, the last two years have been intense, but she’s made it out in style, and new-found grit. “It’s probably one of the first times in my life where I really had only myself to focus on. And when you focus on yourself, often, the first thing you realise is that you don’t really know yourself. It’s a period of not knowing, a period of being uncomfortable because you’re seeing yourself in your raw form without embellishments, and then accepting that you don’ty really know who you are.” Describing the flux as the times in life when one feels the ground from underneath shake, and all the predictable reactions that follow—from ‘oh my life is over, i\ll never be happy’ to niggling self-doubt and insecurities—she says she’s grateful for it because it forced a period of self-evaluation. “I now see it as a blessing because I was able to recognise my patterns, thought processes and things that I have been so sure of my whole life. I could see them from a whole different perspective.
And just like that, the myth of the ‘elusive star’ shatters—a misconception that she admits is often associated with her reserved, hide-under-a-rock nature. I’m not facing “the wall” that I’ve heard so much about. The Katrina I am interviewing is mindful, positive, and speaks with a surprising amount of self-awareness. “I don’t like to blame other people, the responsibility is on me… but the trigger is how you approach me. I’m very sensitive, and if someone approaches me with a lack of warmth, or affection, the wall goes up.”
WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK
How then does a super-sensitive Cancerian navigate an industry built largely on fragile relationships, showmances and living out loud in the public eye? More importantly, how does one build a durable career that sees her in not one but three releases with the three Khans and Big B (Thugs of Hindostan, Zero, Bharat) ? “In terms of the work I’m doing, especially this year, it has been wonderful.
Because I’m really enjoying the process of creating. It began with Aanand L Rai’s Zero, and then with Bharat— even though it came to me out of the blue, the process has been wonderful. I’ve enjoyed learning, and I feel incredibly happy at work when I feel like I’m learning something new.” Her film choices are (and have always been) largely based on her “gut instinct,” the material at hand and the directors, but the actor whose first few performances were panned as wooden hadn’t felt the pressure to prove her acting skills in the early days. Now, she can confidently say, “It’s not about proving a point—such a sufficient time has passed, and you know you’ve sustained your career for so long, which means something. But I definitely feel it, now more than ever, on the level of fulfilment.”
While her bankability as a performer, and her undisputable star power have ensured the longevity of her career in a 15-minutes-of-fame world, her mindfulness at choosing projects and sustaining long-term associations hasn’t hurt. She explains, “I’ve always made instinctive choices and respected work relationships while choosing projects. It’s supremely important for me to feel happy when I’m at work, because filmmaking is a fairly intimate process. There is a lot of personal involvement, and the most important thing is that you want to feel respected at work. Sometimes people think this person can’t tell but I can always tell—I think most women can tell the way a person’s attitude is towards them. A person can be speaking all the right words but you can always sense the underlying emotion.”
Respect. A basic necessity at the workplace, it’s also one that is largely ignored by perpetrators of inappropriate behaviour, as seen in the public admissions of survivors as the metoo movement gains momentum in India. And while Kaif says she has been incredibly fortunate to avoid unpleasant incidents, she voices her support for the movement but notes that we’ve only skimmed one layer. “It’s shaking up the film industry. There won’t be a single person who is not checking themselves, and if they have ever behaved like this, they’re probably feeling fear as we sit and talk about it. And when fear comes into it, there will definitely be behavioural corrections. It will also make it more taboo to make subtle comments and gestures in jest. But it exists across industries, and we all know that the world over there is a huge discrepancy in the amount of power women hold in the workplace as compared to. That makes me think about the women who aren’t in big cities, and not in a position to speak out or defend themselves. I do hope it will trickle down to other spheres—it’ll take time, but this is a start.”
WHEN TOMORROW COMES
It doesn’t matter when you come from, what matters is where you want to go—and Kaif’s evolution, both personal and professional, can be defined by this one line. She’s anti-regret and deems it “the single-most useless emotion on the planet.” She says sagely, “Whatever decision you make at that time in your life, it’s the best decision you could have made at that moment. That’s why you made it! Now, it’s hindsight. Of what use is hindsight?” As she drops truth bombs, one after another, with endearing insight, it’s clear that this chaotic period of unravelling has left Kaif far from the frenetic world she’s been a part of—she’s not quite in an ashram yet, but she’s found her way in an alleyway by the door. “’The universe is not stupid’—it’s so basic but it resonated with me because I realised, you and I, we’re not doing anything. I don’t know who is, but whoever it is knows exactly what it’s doing—and now that I’ve kind of realised that, it’s like being in sync with the world. You’re not plagued by being alone so much and that makes me super excited about life!”
Kaif is buoyantly looking to the future—whether it’s teaming up with a director-friend or finding a script she feels supremely passionate about so she can venture production, or perhaps considering even crossing over (which she hasn’t aggressively pursued but isn’t opposed to either) as an actor. The self-confessed “goal-oriented” actor has always been quite the workaholic, citing her inability to say no to good projects as the reason for her busy schedule, but she’s now ready to sit back and enjoy the slow life, and perhaps even indulge herself with a two-month holiday.
Ask her if she can imagine a life without films, and she nods yes, a surprise coming from someone who couldn’t picture it a few years ago. But Kaif today has no “forward-planning agenda.” And while my day-long observations of the perfectionist at the shoot—at The Quarry Co:lab, she skimmed through the clothes, had inputs on every single shot, and implored Vogue’s Anaita Shroff Adajania to only shoot out of town. “I want to go to Mexico! To Cuba!”—brought me face to face with the consummate professional, the reserved star of few words that we’ve heard so much about, my conversation with her today reminded me of a chat with any other girlfriend. She carries her celebrity confidently, but this version of Kaif appears more balanced, and more every girl—like me, she’s also worried about her weight (and is wary of not fitting into sample sizes), idle gossip irritates her as much as it annoys us (“rumours in the media make me flare up, but you gotta not take it seriously!”) and most importantly, she’s a girl waiting for life to surprise her. “I’m in a good state of mind—I want to learn from people’s experiences, imbibe knowledge from life. There are a million things I want to express, a million things I want to do, but I have no clue what’s going to happen, and what I’m going to do. If you know what the future holds for me, just call me.”
